Dealing With Demented Dice
Dice are meant to be arbiters of fate in any tabletop role-playing game. They’re impartial, unbiased enforcers of random chance to help us tell an interesting story where success is not always guaranteed.
But SOMETIMES your dice are out to get you! They seem to roll badly no matter what you do! No amount of modifiers, bonus dice, or rerolls you get seem to help as your character just fails everything they attempt, and you start to believe that even Marvel’s Domino couldn’t roll above a ten on these things!
If that happens, then you have bad dice. They’re angry with you, haunted by the spirit of a deceased D&D character, possessed by some fiend that has turned them into demon dice, or hexed from afar by Wil Wheaton!
If you find yourself in such unfortunate circumstances, don’t just melt them down! Try one of these handy corrective methods first!
Incarcerate Them For Their Crimes
This is a popular option. It encourages dice reform rather than purely punishing the dice. They have the opportunity to atone for their misdeeds and think about what they did, and how they’ve hurt you.
You need an isolated space to serve as your “dice jail.” There are dice prisons available for purchase, but any space where they are not being used or allowed to associate with other, friendlier dice will do. Maybe it’s a separate bag, a rolling tray, a spot on the shelf, or a small box. Bonus points if there is a view from their jail where they can see other, better dice being rolled and enjoying themselves.
Dice should stay in dice jail for a period of time proportional to their crimes. A die doesn’t like rolling above an 8? Well, modifiers might help you there on occasion, but best to curb that behavior before it gets worse. Maybe only a few hours in the dice jail.
But if a die rolls a 1? That’s the lowest that die can sink! Into the jail it goes! It might need to stay there for several sessions before it can fully appreciate what it has done to you and your campaign.
It is possible that your dice jail might need to grow or change if there are many dice offenders in your area. No one wants an overcrowded prison.
Put Them In The Freezer
This is a more extreme method, as your intent here is to punish the dice for their bad behavior. Placing them in freezing temperatures is harsh and cruel, but it can be effective!
The process is simple. Just take your dice and place them in the freezer in your kitchen, and leave them there overnight. You might hear them crying out in discomfort or contrition, but steel yourself against their cries. They know what they did. And the noise should stop as the cold sets in.
In the morning, remove the dice from their icy prison. Allow them to reach room temperature once again before attempting to roll them. They need to acclimate to the warm, free air again. Then see if they’ve learned their lesson. If they roll double digits, they have repented and are ready to re-enter dice society. If they remain defiant, then their spirit needs to be broken some more. Back to the freezer!
We don’t recommend trying this with stone or glass dice, as this may make them more prone to breakage. But metal and plastic dice? Might be worth a try.
Purify Them With Salt
Salt has been used throughout history as a preserving and purifying agent. It goes great on and in food, but that’s not the end of its uses! Brujas and mystics use salt to banish and forbid unclean spirits, not just bad flavor!
Salt enthusiasts Sam and Dean Winchester have used it throughout their careers to keep bad spirits away from themselves and objects that they wish to protect from malign influences. While they declined to comment on this particular method of dice absolution, we’re sure they’d approve.
Get any ordinary glass from your kitchen and fill it with water. Set the glass on a table or similar surface. Then, acquire some ordinary table salt. Add salt to the water. Lots of it. Add as much as you think you’d need, then double it. Then create a circle of salt on your table around the glass. You can never be too careful!
Finally, submerge your demented die into the water! Depending on if your die is plastic, metal, stone, glass, or another material, it may not sink. You may have to shove it down there. It is very important that the die may be completely submerged.
If the water turns brackish, you head an audible shrieking sound, or a half-visible vapor leaves the die at this moment, do not be alarmed. Just keep doing what you’re doing.
After a full thirty seconds of submersion, the purification should be complete! Give your newly cleansed dice a try!
Have The Dice Blessed By A Shinshoku
This one might be pricey, but should be worth it!
The first thing you’ll need is to be in Japan. Depending on where you live, you may need to purchase a plane ticket. Then, you’ll need to head to one of the country’s beautiful and historic Shinto shrines. This will feel like an opportunity to take in the wonderful sights and culture, but do not be distracted. You’re here on business!
Present your die to the kannushi there. Explain to them the issues that you are having. Whatever rituals, prayers, or ceremonies they prescribe, follow them to the letter. They are the experts.
While there, you may wish to purchase talismans for good fortune. Couldn’t hurt, could it?
Test the die before leaving the shrine. After all, you came all the way here, you’d hate to go home and still have the same problem. Wouldn’t want to make this trip again!
Perform An Exorcism
If, dear reader, you have exhausted the previous options and are still having trouble, then I have bad news for you. You should sit down. Are you sitting? Good.
Your dice are possessed by a demon.
This is the worst thing that can happen to a set of dice, but all hope is not lost! They might still be saved, if you are willing to try! But you’re going to need help.
Acquire the assistance of a priest. Catholic priests are best for this sort of thing, but you’re desperate so take what you can get. Make sure they’re ordained, though. They will likely be very willing to help once they understand the severity of the situation.
The room must be prepared. Seal all exits, and block any means of escape. It would be best if you can secure the die in place for the duration as well. This might take some doing… the die is not likely to cooperate if it senses what you’re up to. Try to be as surreptitious as possible.
The exorcist will then need to enter the room and recite prayers according to the rubrics of the rite. The exorcism will be more effective if they are able to make use of religious icons, sacramentals, and holy relics. The exorcist will invoke the name of Jesus Christ—and possibly other saints and angels—to intervene with the exorcism.
During this time, if the die is not properly secured, it may begin to levitate, or move along walls and ceilings in a manner contrary to gravity. It may vomit seemingly impossible amounts of bile, begin speaking infernal languages, or cause the lights in the room to flicker or be extinguished. Hold firm, and press on.
At the end of the exorcism, the demon should be banished back to Hell from whence it came. If the demon is especially strong, it may require multiple exorcisms, each weakening it toward the point of eventual expulsion. Do not assume that the exorcism has worked! Consult with the priest, and take their word. DO NOT attempt to roll the die before the holy man has given the all clear.
I hope you have found these methods interesting and entertaining! What are your favorite methods and best practices for keeping your dice rolling as they should? As always, we’d love to get your feedback! Comment below, or find us on socials to share your thoughts by clicking HERE!